The Dance of Anger

The Velvet Rage: Queer Men and Shame

I have a confession to make. I have a terrible temper sometimes. My husband is one of the most charitable, patient people because he has to deal with my temper. I get angry when I can’t find something, only to have my husband tell me it’s right in front of my eyes. Of course, I think to myself: Jacob, just have more patience! Why do you take yourself so seriously? I really don’t have enough patience. That lack of patience is the source of much of my anger. I want things now. I want my mental health to recover instantly from my mental health crisis over the last several months. In reality, though, I think my lack of patience has a simple source: shame.

While I have been recovering from this summer mental health crisis, I have discovered old emotional wounds that I haven’t allowed to properly heal and more shame. I thought for many years that I had recovered from the shame from growing up different: gay in a straight man’s world. I was wrong.

I have felt shame over the expectations of others and the unreasonable standard that I held myself to. I gossiped too much. I indulged other people in too much gossip. I felt shame over being gay. I felt shame over not making enough money. The cycle of shame became poisonous and it manifested itself in my volatility.

In Matthew 5, Jesus teaches how anger can be poisonous:

[21] "You have heard that it was said to the men of old, `You shall not kill; and whoever kills shall be liable to judgment.'

[22] But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and whoever says, `You fool!' shall be liable to the hell of fire.

[23] So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you,

[24] leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgement. I have realized that I have to give up so much shame in order to follow this teaching of Jesus. No matter what your religious affiliation (or lack thereof) is, Jesus’s wisdom is timeless. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Jesus also teaches about righteous judgement in Matthew 7:2:

[2] For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.

My shame led to me judging others in harmful ways. It made my anger my dance partner. Why did I engage in such a dance with anger? I waltzed around my life with anger and resentment in my heart over so many things: being closeted, fearing what measured authenticity might bring to my life, and, of course, neglecting to confront some of the baggage from being a gay Mormon for so many years. The why is less clear than the fruits of the anger. It will take more exploration of myself and my life in order to overcome the shame.

The Velvet Rage explores how gay men (and many people for that matter) can build authenticity as we learn to overcome the shame. The author posits that there are three stages to a gay man’s journey to authenticity: overwhelmed by shame, compensating for shame, and discovering authenticity. I have longed for authenticity in all portions of my life, but I think that I have spent many years in stage two. Many people also hover in between stage two and stage three. The journey is far from linear.

Authenticity as a gay man in a straight man’s world is hard earned. We feel the need to be “on” or to overachieve to compensate for the shame. For me, I threw myself into a highly academic life. I pursued higher education to compensate for years of childhood shame and fear. In my career, I floated from job to job in hopes of finding my vocation: ESL teaching, higher education, and finally human resources. But my identity was rooted in stage two of compensating for shame. Many gay men stuck in stage two plaster their social media with thirst traps, perfectly curated photos of expensive purchases, and even downright lies about their personal relationships. Many, however, wallow in their shame, not making it to stage three until a mid-life crisis or other hinge point in their lives.

I’m ready to move to stage three, even though in some ways I was already there. I live a very authentic life driven by values; I just sometimes wander back into stage two. The shame that I felt and experienced runs deep. It’s a challenge that I must confront head on. I’m done with the dance of anger fueled by shame.

I’m ready to live a life without regrets. If you are a gay man (or even if you’re working to be a better ally), consider how you can also live and help your children or loved ones live a rich, meaningful life built on your values. The Velvet Rage might lead you there.